


Way Down We Go

by SailorSol



Series: Uncommon Valor [3]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Dred Priest is an asshole, Edee Feels, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Memories, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29252412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorSol/pseuds/SailorSol
Summary: For a long time, Neyo actively tried to forget Before.Memories, even happy ones, didn't do him any good while training with Priest. So he pushed them down, down, down until they seemed more like half remembered dreams, things that had never actually happened to him.
Series: Uncommon Valor [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893043
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39
Collections: Open Source Soft Wars





	Way Down We Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ro29](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ro29/gifts).



> Title from the song of the same name by Kaleo.
> 
> Thanks to Art for helping me push through the ending.
> 
> Set in Projie's Soft Wars universe. Definitely go read that because it's amazing.

For a long time, Neyo actively tried to forget Before. 

Memories, even happy ones, didn't do him any good while training with Priest. So he pushed them down, down, down until they seemed more like half remembered dreams, things that had never actually happened to him. Good things weren't for monsters who didn't flinch at inflicting pain on others, who ignored their own pain and kept going, going, going until there was nothing left and his body refused to cooperate.

Sometimes, the memories caught him off guard. 1138 gives him a worried look, and for a moment it's Colt fussing at him instead; 1819 grins and winks as they plot against another cadet, and it's Fox looking back; 2424 rattles off some useless bit of information, and it's Gree regurgitating his latest interesting new fact. The moments don't last, and he refuses to let them affect him, doesn't let them slow him down, ignores the way something catches in his chest and burns, burns, burns.

Priest takes what he wants from them, carving it out of their flesh and out of their minds with long, grueling sessions on the training courses and sharp recriminations when they fail to live up to his impossible standards. He digs in deep with razor-edged words and rips, rips, rips at anything that doesn't suit him. Kindness is the first thing to go, with mercy close on its heels, and the only way to keep things safe is for Priest not to know they exist.

So Neyo cuts away the steady reassurance of a helping hand, the lingering warmth of a shared bunk, the memories of the quiet pleasure of a shared secret. Sympathy and comfort and delight are things he will not let Priest take from him, even if it leaves him hollow and raw, raw, raw. These wounds are self inflicted and the scars are his, the only reminders he's allowed.

He successfully forgets about Before until Colt is guiding him with gentle hands through the halls of Kamino, until Fox is shoulder to shoulder as a medic prods at bruises, until Gree knows just the right piece of information to save their shebse. He wonders what they see when they look at him, if they remember him as something he no longer is, if they are disappointed in all that is left. His own memories are shattered fragments at best, with jagged edges that slash through him, but he remembers that Colt was sympathy, and Fox was comfort, and Gree was delight. Neyo is only pain, pain, pain, and he can't bring himself to ask who he was Before.

He wishes he could remember more than that, catches himself sometimes as he trips over the craters that time and Priest have left behind. He knows he can't get back what's been lost or taken, but Neyo is an expert at getting up, up, up. He defines victory now as making new memories to fill in those holes, and while he might not remember Before, they all have a chance now at an After. 


End file.
